It’s loving and even normal not to want to allow a loved one to experience the natural consequences of their behavior. The problem is that when you’re dealing with addiction – particularly addiction to meth or heroin – not allowing them to experience natural consequences can be fatal.
I remember one father who told me “no daughter of mine is going to live under a bridge Greg.” I said “sir, I admire your love of your daughter, but if you cannot bear to allow her to choose to live under a bridge than you are likely choosing to let her overdose in your basement.” The young woman in question was using massive quantities ofheroin.
If I am the parent of a child and she comes to me and says “dad, I made a mistake and I need some money for rent this month. Can you help me out?” For me, I am quite likely to give her the money she needs, particularly if it’s an amount that isn’t problematic for me. I love my child and I want what’s best for her, and I remember being young and making mistakes. If my child is “normal” (the word I typically use for people I don’t know very well) giving her some money to help her out along with a few words on the importance of learning from the experience could probably be considered healthy, loving parenting. If, on the other hand, my child is an addict, I have just subsidized her next high.
If I am the spouse of an addict and I call in sick to work on their behalf, tell lies to my family and friends about what they are doing and/or scramble to cover a bounced check I am allowing them to avoid the natural consequences of their behavior. This tends to facilitate a lower bottom rather than solve the problem.
If you’re the spouse of an addict, check out www.alanonphonemeetings.org or use google to find alanon meetings in your area. Al-anon teaches the principles necessary to help a you offer opportunities for life to the addict in your life.