Understanding the role a person played within their family system is a valuable for a recovering meth, heroin, or alcohol addicts. What follows is an adaptation and expansion of the work of Alfred Adler, Claudia Black, Virginia Satir and Pia Mellody.
There are five basic family roles. Here is a list of the roles and some of their attributes.
- Hero (often, but not always, first born) – successful, goal oriented, leader, high achieving, organized, self-disciplined, willing to hide family secrets, perfectionist, rigid, not prone to play, anxious, high expectations of self and others, struggles to relax, often uncomfortable outside a clearly defined hierarchy,
- Mediator (often, but not always, middle born) – Calm, empathetic, warm, great listener, smiles readily, gentle, peaceful, sometimes says “yes” when they mean “no,” high fear of anger and conflict, people pleaser, high tolerance for inappropriate behavior. Tend to develop a small group of very close friends.
- Lost Child (birth order varies) – flexible, easygoing, wiling to follow, doesn’t want to be a burden, feels forgotten / neglected, blames self, low self-esteem, often depressed
- Mascot (often, but not always, last born) – Fun loving, social butterfly, outgoing, funny, sometimes sarcastic, laid back, sometimes irresponsible, not prone to planning ahead, sometimes impulsive, willing to take risks, large number of friends.
- Scapegoat (birth order varies) – Creative, often a great storyteller, willing to expose family secrets, intolerant of hypocrisy, tells it as he sees it, expresses anger readily, can be explosive, sometimes legal trouble, social problems at early ages, tendency to experiment with drugs and alcohol.
By their nature, roles like this are generalized. Very rarely will you meet an individual who conforms to all the descriptive terms associated with a single role. More often people will play multiple roles in their family of origin. The first role has generally been adopted by the age of 6, though it may change several times prior to and during adulthood. The most likely times for roles to change are during adolescence (ages 10-12) and when there are significant changes to the family system. Significant changes in the family constellation can include death, serious illness, divorce, a sibling leaving home, adoption, and addition of a step-parent and/or step-siblings, etc.
Primary and Secondary Roles – The primary role is typically adopted in early childhood. Roles adopted in adolescence are typically secondary, meaning that they’re part of the face the person shows the world, but not necessarily internalized. In contrast, the primary role is typically internalized by the individual and may be closely related to how a person sees himself throughout his lifetime.
Fallen Hero
One example, the “fallen hero” role consists of a person who plays hero as a primary role and changes to scapegoat, usually in early adolescence (but can happen later, after a sports injury or other narcissistic wound). The child is made the hero of the family system and remains in that role until he decides (or realizes) that he lacks the tools to meet the families expectations.
For example, you might see this with a client who transitions to junior high school and suddenly finds it is more difficult or impossible to get the grades that are expected at home. The child decides (or realizes) that since he cannot find significance by being the best, aka the hero, he’ll become the worst and behave as a scapegoat. Though he may continue to hold the countenance of a hero, this individual will begin acting out, often indirectly, in ways that he perceives will “punish” those members of his family system who held him to impossible expectations. It is, however, interesting to note that this individual typically yearns for the approval of the parents or caregivers, often to such a degree that he does not realize the extent to which he is angry at them, or even that his behavior is an attempt at vengeful punishment.
Lost Hero
This is an individual who was a lost child in the family system and then decided to compensate for it by becoming a family hero. As usual, this transition typically takes place in early adolescence, though it can happen later, particularly with athletic development.
The lost hero will present as a “normal” family hero, with a couple major differences. First, this individual will typically have a history of unconscious self-sabotage just prior to success. This is someone who misses the bus to that all-important job interview or has a big conflict at work just prior to receiving a promotion. Second, though they will initially appear to the world to be self-sufficient and polished, they will typically have an acute sense of self-loathing and inferiority which will reveal itself in time.
In relationships they will present initially as independent and flexible, but will eventually transition to becoming needy, rigid and difficult.